“You cheated on me, you disrespected me, and when I wanted to talk to you about it, you ignored me! Now you say you want me back and you want me to trust you again? WOW! I don’t even know how to take you right now!”
Screaming these words to her longtime lover, after going through a terrible breakup because of his indiscretions, my friend was asking me the question:
Does forgiving someone who hurt you so badly, mean you have to trust them again?
A mutual friend of ours told her that she should definitely trust him again because everyone makes mistakes, and part of “forgiving” him was to trust him again, forget about what happened, and move on with their lives.
Hmmm…now I didn’t quite agree with her sentiments, especially when I don’t believe–nor have I ever believed–that cheating is a “mistake“, OR that there is any excuse for it. If things are not working out between you and your lover, then realize that it’s OK to walk away and get out of the relationship before it gets to the point where you feel you need to cheat.
But more to my friend’s question, I believe that just because you “forgive” someone for hurting you, that doesn’t mean you will immediately “trust” them again, or ever, for that matter. Nor does it mean you have to get back together with them. I say this because, “trust” is something that one has to earn. So, if I’ve given you my heart, my trust, my life, and you decide to betray all of it…I’ll be hurt, I’ll still love you, and I’ll even “forgive” you, but I definitely will not “trust” you just yet…or perhaps ever. My “trust” is something that you will have to earn all over again, and that can only happen in time, and maybe not at all.
Further explaining my opinion to my friend, I shared the following:
There are some couples that will choose to stay together despite their trust issues. If they’ve developed a strong friendship over time, they have children together, or their finances are held together– then even though one may not trust the other, the couple may decide breaking up is not an option for them, and will just try to work through their issues.
This can sometimes be a huge mistake, because too often couples stay together for reasons that have nothing to do with either of them, but everything to do with the children. While staying in a relationship for the sake of the children may seem like the noble thing to do, remember, kids are very smart, and they can see what is going on–or for that matter–what is not going on! So adults should know that they’re not fooling them at all.
I’ve spoken to many people who grew up in households such as this, and most of them admitted that they were happy when their parents decided to end their relationship. Simply because they grew tired of the constant arguing, and witnessing the lack of affection between them each day. It was more painful to the children than it was the parents. So for them, their parents getting a divorce meant a chance for each of them to start over with someone new with whom they can find real happiness. Because after all, what children really want is true happiness for their parents…even if that means them being separated from one other.
Now others that I’ve spoken to believe that no matter what happens, as long as true love exists or you’re married, then the only option is to work together to repair the relationship. In this case, “love” is the only thing that matters. Not the children, and not the situation, just “love”. They believe that “love conquers all”, and that exoneration from cheating only requires the offending party to work hard to prove they are worth trusting again; and the offended party to acknowledge this and accept the effort being put forth.
Then there were those who believe that once a cheater, always a cheater. And stated, that by no means would they ever consider giving a second chance to someone who disregarded the relationship as if it never existed, to nonchalantly take part in a clandestine affair with another. This form of betrayal simply did not pass their logic check.
So I left her with this:
What it really comes down to is: What do you believe? If you honestly don’t think you will ever be able to “trust” your lover again, then you should walk away and never look back, because re-building “trust” in a relationship requires participation from both parties.
But, if you are still in love with your partner and you think it’s possible to repair the relationship, then by all means, move on with it and start re-building the trust levels between you two. And just because you’ve forgiven them, that does not mean that you have to “trust” them right away. It only means that you are willing to put forth the effort it takes to repair a broken relationship, so that you can begin to heal your pain. The “trust” issue will correct itself soon enough…as long as both parties are willing to give all that it takes to make that happen.
Either way, it is important for us to understand that it’s OK when relationships don’t work out, because not all of them do. And when they don’t, we must not harbor the negativity, bitterness, vindictiveness, hatred and unhappiness that a broken relationship can bring — as this only causes you more pain and keeps you from healing completely. So instead, we should try re-focusing our attention on moving pass the experience, so that we can begin to heal properly. Yes, it may hurt for a while, and you may experience a temporary loss of joy and unhappiness — but in the long run, you will feel better knowing that you’ve made a sound decision, removed yourself from a negative situation, and opened yourself up to experience more greatness in your life.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Chime in and tell us what you think! Are “forgiveness” and “trust” mutually exclusive – OR – are they mutually inclusive? The coffee is brewing and we are waiting, so join the conversation and start sharing your thoughts!
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