Yes, I forgive you, but it doesn’t mean I trust you …

After expressing her feelings about her longtime lover following their difficult breakup caused by his indiscretions, my friend turned to me and asked:

 

Does forgiving someone who hurt you so badly mean you trust them again?

 

Our mutual friend gently encouraged her to continue trusting him, reminding her that everyone makes mistakes.  If you forgive him, it means you trust him and are choosing to move past his indiscretions and embrace the relationship.

 

Hmm, I don’t quite share her feelings on this, especially since I’ve never believed that cheating is just a “mistake” or that there’s any good reason for it.

 

If I’ve opened my heart, trust, and life to you and you betray that, I will feel hurt. I may love you from a distance until the pain lessens, and I will forgive you because forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It allows us to move forward without carrying hatred and unhappiness, if that is our choice. Therefore, I won’t let you control me in that way, and more importantly, I will not trust you again.

 

If either person feels uninterested in continuing the relationship and believes things aren’t working out, it’s completely acceptable to walk away before feeling the need to cheat. This applies to both parties.

 

Building on my friend’s question, I genuinely believe that forgiving someone for hurting you doesn’t automatically mean you’ll trust them again right away or even at all.  Nor does it mean you have to get back together with them.

 

Rebuilding trust is a process that requires patience and respect from both parties.

 

When I explained my thoughts to my friend, I mentioned that some couples choose to stay together despite having trust issues.  Perhaps they’ve built their relationship on a strong foundation of friendship, or they share children or financial responsibilities.  In such cases, even if trust is shaky, they might decide that breaking up isn’t the right choice for them, and they prefer to work through their challenges together.

 

However, in my opinion, staying together for the sake of the children can be more harmful than helpful.  Couples might remain in a relationship not because they genuinely want to, but because they feel it’s best for their kids.  While it might seem noble to keep things going for the children’s benefit, parents need to realize that kids are perceptive and can tell what’s happening — they’re not unaware of what’s going on.  They sense tension and the absence of warmth.

 

I’ve spoken to many people who grew up in such environments, and most have shared that they felt happier when their parents decided to part ways.  The constant arguments and lack of affection between their parents were exhausting to watch daily.  It was more painful for the children to witness this struggle than for the parents to continue pretending everything was fine.

 

They believed that a divorce would give their parents a fresh start with someone new, with whom they could find genuine happiness.  Because, after all, what children truly wish for is their parents’ happiness… even if it means they must be apart.

 

Others I’ve spoken with believe that when they experience true love or are married, their main priority should be working together to strengthen their relationship. They don’t see splitting up as an option. In their view, love is the most important thing. It overcomes everything for them—money, children, or even issues like cheating. It’s about forgiveness and friendship guiding their decisions. Whether they’re content just hearing the words “I love you,” or they require actions to prove it, they stay together.

 

Still, some believe that once someone cheats, they will always cheat, or that once trust is broken, it cannot be regained.  They often feel that such a person shouldn’t be given a second chance.  When someone dismisses their relationship as if it doesn’t matter, secretly engages in an affair, and then calls it a mistake, when all they needed to say was that they’re no longer interested in continuing the relationship, it can be tough to forgive.  Trust can be broken so profoundly that it may never be restored.

 

Nevertheless, every couple has their unique journey, and whether they decide to stay or go depends on what they believe about love and relationships, as well as how they feel about the injustice done to them.

 

Forgiving someone for cheating mainly involves the offending party apologizing, promising it won’t happen again, and demonstrating through their actions that they are trustworthy again.  Alternatively, the offending party may use their cheating as a means to terminate the relationship. In either scenario, the person who has been harmed recognizes the necessity of making a decision to move forward with their life, embracing hope and advancing, with or without that person.

 

So, I left her with these words: Take some time to really reflect on what you believe.  If you genuinely feel like you’ll never be able to trust your partner again, it’s perfectly okay to prioritize your well-being and happiness and end the relationship if that’s what you need.  Remember, rebuilding trust requires effort from both of you, and staying in the relationship without working on rebuilding trust can only make things worse, especially if you still feel uneasy about his “boys’ night out,” lunch dates, or missed calls.

 

If that’s the choice, try to refocus your attention on moving past the experience to begin healing properly.  Yes, it may hurt for a while.  You may experience a temporary loss of joy and unhappiness.  Still, in the long run, you will feel better knowing that you’ve made a sound decision, removed yourself from a negative situation, and opened yourself up to experience more greatness in your life.

 

However, if you are still in love with your partner and believe it’s possible to repair the relationship, then by all means, move forward and start rebuilding the trust between you two.  And just because you’ve forgiven them does not mean you have to “trust” them immediately.  It only means that you are willing to put forth the effort it takes to repair a broken relationship so that you can begin to heal your pain.  The “trust” issue will naturally find its balance in time, especially when both people are open to working on it together.

 

When things don’t go as planned, try to let go of any negativity, bitterness, vindictiveness, hatred, and unhappiness.  Holding onto these feelings only adds to your pain and can prevent you from healing fully.  Embrace compassion and patience as you move forward.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

Chime in and tell us what you think!  Are “forgiveness” and “trust” mutually exclusive – OR – are they mutually inclusive?  The coffee is brewing, and we are waiting, so join the conversation and start sharing your thoughts!